Here we are, the final few days before Christmas!
I’ve truly had a lot of fun this month, even if it was just sitting around the apartment decorating and singing along to Christmas tunes. There certainly is no better place to be during Christmastime than NYC. The energy and magic of it all is infectious. While I’ve had my great moments, I have to admit that I’ve also had moments where this holiday coming up has been very overwhelming thanks to suffering a devastating event in my life at the end of the Summer. I have obviously mentioned this on other channels, but I have never mentioned this on the blog. I aim to put out only positive vibes through this website, all without really getting too much into my personal life (just the kind of blogger I chose to be – less “online diary”, more inspiration and lifestyle), and while I will still do that, I feel the need to add some transparency here and finally acknowledge the fact that I lost my father on August 20th, very abruptly and tragically. I will spare you most of the details of the unimaginable pain and heartbreak, but I will tell you that it is here and it is real. I am resilient and I push on, but even when I have a great day or I feel moments of true happiness, that somber note is still there underneath the surface. After every bout of laughter I am smacked in the face with the reality of it all, even if its just for a second before the moment passes. Grief is a crazy ride, and I’m still learning things about myself and this process every day. The helplessness is frustrating. I never know what will make me burst into tears, and I never know what will make me laugh my ass off in memory. I am healing and coping, but I have to tell you that not every day, or even every hour is easy. Anyone that has been through this can tell you. In some ways it has gotten better – time does help, and the true nightmare and terror of it all starts to fade away. The first few months were gut wrenching and nothing but traumatic, but now I am starting to feel more at peace, a calming. In other ways it is more devastating than ever, because you do things like dial his phone number only to realize that he is never going to answer your phone call again. It is a wild rollercoaster and I am more exhausted than I ever thought possible. Weight loss, lines around my eyes from a few too many sleepless nights, breakouts from stress. Sometimes I don’t recognize myself in the mirror, as scary as that sounds. I am someone with scars and battle wounds now that I have never known before. I’ve never suffered a loss before this, so this is all new to me. It’s still a shock. It can be a very lonely journey, regardless of the endless support that I have. The fact is, people forget. Their life goes on, and because you (me) put on a tough face and live your life the best you can, people assume that you are OK all of the time. I feel like as a blogger, since we are so “in your face” all the time, we put our best foot forward..whether that means only posting a selfie where we feel awesome, only posting about the glamorous or cool things that we did, or only posting the content that we feel people will enjoy or be inspired by. I chose to dive into Instagram and blogging full-on after my dad died because as dumb as it sounds, it was helping me cope. It helped me want to get up and do things or go out and LIVE that life that I lived before I lost my parent. Is that superficial of me? Maybe. I don’t care what it is as long as it gives my days a little more purpose and provides the extra distraction that I most certainly welcome. Don’t get me wrong, my blog/instagram is not a lie, it is just only a small portion of my life.
Anyway, I ended up going into that little negative tangent I didn’t mean to (whoops) so I’m going to circle it back around. My mom has always told me “You have a choice”. You either choose to be happy or you don’t. For me, this Christmas I had a choice to either drown in grief and sorrow or do my best to create new, happy memories which is what I know my dad would have wanted. I hope this post doesn’t make you that I am crying out for help, or feeling seriously troubled. I am simply a girl going though the emotions of losing her Daddy. I am starting to feel stronger with every day that goes by. With every tragedy there is a silver lining. Am I going to sit here and say that my dad passed away for a good reason? Absolutely not. But I will say that in his passing I have gained perspective. So much perspective. I am grateful for my family more than ever. I am grateful for my wonderful friends. I am grateful for my loving, understanding and perfect boyfriend. I am grateful to work in an environment at Pure Barre where the support and genuine compassion from everyone warms me to the core. I have a good life. I am proud of who I am (for the most part, ha!). I am proud to be my dad’s kid. I reflect a lot these days, mostly over my morning coffee, wearing my dad’s old Hanes sweater (shrunken just a tad). Life is beautiful, and we should cherish it. Hold your love ones close this holiday. Tell them you love them more than once, hug them the hardest you can, and appreciate the time you have while you have it.
^^^ Tommy alwaaaays making me laugh, even when 5 seconds before I was kind of forcing a smile lol.
How cool is this Pure Barre ornament my mom got me, by the way? Love.
I’m off to teach at Pure Barre and try to keep the positivity flowing! Thanks for reading and I apologize for the unexpected detour in mood, but as I said I just wanted to be real on here, and if it helps anyone in any way then it was worth it.